On this date, 5 years ago...I was exactly a month away from becoming a mother. Where did these 5 years go?
I remember exactly how I was back then. I believe it was around this time that I was got "that" point. You know the one...the point where you are completely ready for this baby to be out of your body. Oh, fun times. I had to root around a little bit, but I found a poem that I had written about Anistyn when she was turning one. I thought I would share it with everyone here. Please don't fault me for it...I was only 21 and discovering what motherhood was all about! Looking back at it, I think I had a pretty good grip on it. Its so amazing to think about where we were in our lives back then...and what a difference things are now. One thing is for sure...I don't know where I would be without that blue eyed wonder. She really did save my life...a story in another blog of course.
So, here is the poem. Enjoy!
Poem for Ani
My little girl is turning one...I can't believe how fast the past year with her flew by. It just makes me think about my life before her, my life now, and whats to come. So, you might think this is cheesy, but maybe you'll like it.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I've never been more scared in my whole life. I had no idea what I was going to do. I felt like I had let people down. I couldn't understand why God would give me a child, knowing that I couldn't provide for her like other parents.
I remember my first doctor's appointment. They gave me all these instructions on what to eat, what to feel, what to do, it was so much responsibility. They let me hear the baby's heartbeat. I couldn't believe there was a person growing inside of me.
I remember the first time she kicked. It was Christmas Day 2004. I spent that Christmas alone at my apartment. I was sitting on the couch watching TV, so upset. I didn't know how I would make it through my pregnancy. Then she kicked. And I cried like a baby.
I remember when I found out I was having a little girl. Oh, what a shock that was. I had been scared to have a girl. I didn't think I could handle a Mini Me. I looked up at the screen, and watched her move. My baby. My little girl. I fell in love.
I remember the day she was born. The 2 days of labor I went through were torture. I went into work on a Wednesday night, went into labor Thursday morning. She was born on Saturday morning. As soon as I had her, and saw her little body, that face, those fingers and toes...I was a goner. My life wasn't mine anymore. It was all hers.
This first year has been a huge learning lesson. We've moved, had new people come into our lives, laughed and cried. I've watched her go from a tiny baby into a little girl. It seems like yesterday I was getting frustrated with acid reflux. Now I'm feeding her table food and watching her act like she's talking on the phone.
I pray that she'll have a lot of friends and family to always surround her. I don't ever want her to feel alone. I hope she always knows that she is loved and cared for. I want her to always have someone to call at the middle of the night.
I pray that she'll use her talents to do go things. I don't want her to ever waste them on things of the world. I hope she knows that everything good comes from God, and to use them to please Him.
I pray that she is a good driver. I hope she always looks where she is going and never speeds. I hope she doesn't mess with the radio while talking on a cell phone and driving at the same time.
I pray that she doesn't get her heart broken too many times. I know its bound to happen, because if she is anything like me, she'll love people fully. I hope guys never take adavantage of her, or treat her like anything less than a princess. Because thats what she is...a princess.
I hope she does well in school. I hope she has fun while keeping her grades up. I hope she asks for help when she needs it. I pray that she focuses and cares about her future.
I pray that she doesn't give in to peer pressure. I hope she knows that real friends wouldn't want her to do something she didn't want to. I hope she knows that the choices she makes today affect her tomorrow. I hope she is wise and makes good decisions.
I pray that she succeeds in life. I hope she is happy in life. I hope she used all of the good in her to the best of her abilities. I hope she wakes up every morning, glad to be alive.
I pray that she meets a man one day that shows her real love. I pray that he treats her with kindness and respect. I hope they learn from each other. I hope they grow together. I pray that through hard times they stick together.
I pray that she becomes a mother, so that she can understand what real love is. I pray that she takes time to play with them, and not worry about other things in life. I hope they have movie nights, I hope they share ice cream and take walks together. I pray she tucks them in and reads them stories and makes them feel better when they are sick.
I pray that I am always with her to experience her grow. I pray that she always know that the moment she came into my life, I changed. I want her to know that without her, I am nothing. I hope she knows that when I look in her eyes, and see her smiling at me, God is giving me a little piece of what heaven is really like. I want her to know that I was born to be her mother and on the days when I get so frustrated or dissapointed in her, that it is only because she holds my heart in her hands. I want her to know that nothing she could ever do could make me stop loving her for the simple fact that I am her mother. She is my daughter.
I pray that she doesn't have a million regrets in life. I know that she will make mistakes, but when she does, I hope she picks herself up, dusts herself off, and keeps going. I hope she is proud of herself, like I am.
I pray that she laughs, I pray that she loves. I pray that she lives.