I'm supposed to be having a fun filled summer right now. And I am...for the most part. These past few days though, I have just been exhausted...and pretty much the most emotional that I have ever been since this whole experience started. Lately, I've just been feeling numb. I know it will pass...and my happy, cheery self will be back. Then I will scold myself for even giving in briefly to my slight pit party. But right now...thats where I want to be. I am in the midst of a pity part. A selfish one. But then again...is it selfish to just wish he were here? I don't think so.
Josh came for his R&R...and after a brief mishap, we had a great time together. I told him on the way to the airport the other morning, there's only one bad thing about these short times that I get to see him. See, the last couple of months...I've gotten pretty used to being on my own. Heck, I was alone and a single mother for 4 years. So, of course I can do it. I get used to going about my daily routine, always wishing he were there of course, but able to get by. Taking care of Anistyn. Packing our bags by myself (which at this point...I can do in less than 5 minutes, mind you). Falling asleep alone. Then he comes...and for that brief time...my life is perfect. He's there to help me pack. He pumps my gas. He makes me my coffee and he knows just how I like it made. He even brings it to me in bed. He's there next to me in bed. My constant partner...there to swap funny stories with before we doze off next to each other. And then, before you know it...he has to leave again. And I have to readjust all over again. And I miss him even more.
I can't even explain how I am feeling. Maybe its our brief visit. Maybe its the fact that I am so ready to be in our own home. Maybe, its because I have made friends with an amazing group of girls online who are all going through the exact same thing...being military wives. Maybe its swapping stories, and living each moment with each other that has opened my eyes even more to this world. This rewarding, proud, and honorable world...that sometimes leaves me feeling alone, and sad. Maybe its a recent turn of event in which some people have just left me speechless with no regard to my feelings. And maybe...I'm just being a brat. Which, my mother would say...is probably it;)
Nonetheless....this is the world I chose when I got married. I knew it wouldn't be easy. Thankfully, I have amazing people to turn to. People who understand, because they've been there too. On top of wonderful friends and family to help me through this time.
This isn't a deployment...and when one comes, I'll do the same thing I've done with this. Go through my days like I normally would, and cry when I need to. Which I haven't really cried, until the other day when I chose to resort to the really unflattering crying fit. You know the one...stuff all over your face...barely able to breathe. I finally just let it all out. And then I picked myself up, cleaned up, and tucked my little girl into bed as if everything were perfect. Because thats what I do.
Marrying him was easy. Loving him is like breathing to me. Its the most natural feeling in the world...as if I've always done it. He makes it so very easy. Its the other things that complicate life...but loving him, well, thats a piece of cake. And thats what makes itall so very worth it to me. Because soon enough, he will be with me again.